My Life ages 10 to 12

I was born in Illinois and moved to Arizona and moved when I wass two years of age. Age two is also when my biological father left. I have three brothers whose names I will not state for their privacy. We are all a year apart from each other in age. So my biological mother was left with four kids on her own. We moved to Arizona. I do not have much memory from my childhood before the age of ten. It was actually that age that my innocent childhood would change forever.

When I was 10 years old, my biological mother got hooked up and married who would be my first step dad. We will refer to him as Step dad #1. Me and my brothers were sharing a bedroom at the time. We had a set of bunkbeds. My #1 step dad would read to me and the boys at night from the Boxcar Children book series. That sounds like a lovely guy, right? Unfortunately, I think that was just to put on a show for bio mother.

The step dad #1 would sneak in our room at night and sexually abuse me. I didn't understand what exactly what was going on. I just knew he was being sneaky. So at the age of ten, my innocence left. On our bedroom wall, there was a hanging baby blanket on the with lace as the border, and a thicker light colored fabric with bears on it. I am pretty sure it was an actual baby blanket hanging on our wall. One night, while the step dad #1 was doing his thing to me, I stared at the blanket on the wall to mentally escape. It was then that I had a vision that I now believe was a blessing.

My vision was me being in a pretty open field with just little flowers and grass to run and play in. There was only one tree and I found myself with Jesus, sitting on his lap, swinging on the swing hanging from the tree. I will never forget how that made me feel. I felt like I was actually there and it brough me so much peace, happiness, and comfort. I didn't feel what the step dad #1 was doing to me anymore. I didn't think more of the vision afterwards but I understand now that the vision was God being with me. He allowed me to go that place mentally in order to save me from what I probably couldn't handle had I not been able to go visit that safe place.

My biological Mother made a statement saying that I looked pregnant one day. At this point, I thought I was pregnant although I was oblivious as to what has to transpire in order for that to happen. I should also mention that me and my brothers were not being fed much and our stomachs were extended due to malnourishment. In fact, when I was 12 years old, that is when we entered the foster care system. There are quite a bit of things, including physical abuse, that I am leaving out. However, I shared the parts I did so what I am about to share makes sense.

So you remember that vision? God says in His Word that He will never leave or forsake us. That led me to the question of why? If God sees everything and doesn't sleep, then why did He just sit and watch all the abuse happen? I then am reminded about my vision. He was with me even at ten years old. He allowed me to go and be in a peaceful place while really bad things were happening. He gave me peace. God gives everybody free will and I was pretty helpless at the age of 10. I also had a lot of fear from the physical abuse happening. While everybody chooses their actions in life, God is still with us to love, protect, and adopt.

God loves us so much. As an innocent child, He showed up to me. Did He stop the abuse that was happening? No. Did He help me cope and not let my life be ended? He surely did! I like that God gives people free will and doesn't control us. How bad would that feel to be like controlled robots that can't think, feel or act on their own? I believe when I cried, He cried. I truly believe God cries for our pain and He does protect us. I believe it is because of God Himself that the step dad #1 did not take my life, neither emotionally or physically.